Twilight Redone Better Than Before
by IdiotAmerica56
Summary: A Christmas present for my bestest buddy ever. Basically just inserting her in the story in place of Bella....VERY OOCBut also very funny


An Even Better Twilight Than Before!

The best story ever written,

ByIdiotAmerica56

A/N: This is not, I repeat not, a very serious fic. It contains SEVERE and i truly mean SEVERE OOCness. Sooo if you're like gonna get mad about it, turn away now. You will never see the characters the same way again...I destroyed every character heh. Now, onwards to the story. Oh, and this was a Christmas gift for my best friend ever, miss Lady Pendragon

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Forks was the last place I wanted to be right now, but I suppose it was better than Delaware, after all the cruelty that riddled me there. And no, I will not waste time telling you why I came to Forks for many reasons: 1. The almighty author does not like writing it, 2: its boring and 3: IT'S BORING! Oh and 4: the author is as bit lazy too. But that's to be expected.

So anyways, I came to Forks for reasons that you don't need to know, and yes I do know that that's a HUUUUGE (or should I say HUUUUG3 cause its kinda cool to spell that way...) plot hole, but that doesn't matter! Cause plot is not what we're looking for in this stupid story! So it was the first day for me at Forks High School, and as I parked the fancy car that my uncle gave me, I noticed a shiny silver Volvo come into the parking lot. The Volvo and my car were the only fancy ones in the entire parking lot.

I stepped out of the car, and five people got out of the Volvo, all of them INSANELY beautiful. And I won't go into description, cause I know that you already know that the Cullen family...wait I'm not supposed to know who they are yet...well anyways, you already know that the Cullen family is beautiful. Cause I am no Stephenie Meyer, and neither is the almighty author who is writing this fabulous story.

But he does come close.

So anyways, the boy with red hair and was especially beautiful, was like "Hey, nice car." And I replied:

"Thanks, dude, you too." Then we both went our separate ways. I went to the office, he went...somewhere else. Boy, did I wish I could follow him. He was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! And instead I was just screaming like a fangirl. And yeah. There was another girl in the office when I walked in there. She had red hair that was lighter than mine, and didn't look too happy.

"Hey," I said.

"Hello," she replied.

"OMG HEY EVERYBODY!" said the secretary who the almighty author just made REAAAAAAAALLY out of character. "I hope you guys are ready for your first day of school here in Forks! Now take these little slips of paper and have the teacher sign them, okay!?!?!?!?!? But you really don't have to, cause I don't really care! I'm retiring here anyways and perusing my lifelong dream of being a BINGO CHAMPION! WOOOOOOOOOO!" She then proceeded to hand us each a slip of blue paper. Then she pulled out two little flags from a drawer in her desk and waved them around madly.

Slowly, the other girl and I slipped out quietly through the door as the secretary jumped on the desk and started dancing.

"Hi, I'm Bella," said the girl.

"Emily," I replied. We shook hands, then went to our classes.

The day went by preeeeeeeeeeeeetty fast, and lunch was the highlight. This guy named Mike, who TOTALLY digs Bella, at least in this book, became my friend, and invited me to sit by him at lunch. What a nice guy! So we were sitting at lunch, and I glanced at the Cullen table. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to know about them yet. WHOOPS! Guess I'm not the greatest story teller. So anyways, another boy caught my eye when I stared at the table with the five people. He was REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY muscular. I was like...whoa, better not piss him off!

"Hey Mike," I said, leaning over. "Who are those people over there?"

"Oh, those are the Cullen's," he said.

"Okay. And who's the really big one?"

"That's Emmet."

"And the one with red hair?"

"Edward." I nodded in understanding. Soon, lunch ended, and I headed to biology. Or at least I think that it's biology that I'm supposed to go to...the almighty author's memory on every exact detail of Twilight isn't so clear these days. Good thing he's getting it tomorrow. Hehe. So anyways, when I went to biology, that Bella girl was sitting next to Edward. And there were no other empty seats. So then the teacher had to pull up another table, and I sat down, alllllllllll alone.

"Um, teacher, can I move back there?" Edward asked.

"Um...sure, I guess..." In a blur, Edward Cullen was out of his seat and back sitting next to me.

"Hi! I'm Edward Cullen! I look like I'm 17, but I'm REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY old but I'm too lazy to do the math right now! I was born back in 1901, or was it 1904? I can't really remember. I was saved by my adopted father Carlisle saved me, cause I was dying you see, and then he made me a vampire!"

"A VAMPIRE!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! Holy COW! I have a friend who's a vampire too! (Kudos to you if you know who that friend is :P)

"Oh really!?!?!?!" Edward said. "Maybe I know him! What's his name!?"

"Name censored"

"OH! I KNOW HIM! HE'S GOTTA BE THE COOLEST KID I HAVE EVER MET IN MY ENEITRE LIFE! I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR LIKE 100 YEARS!"

"He's that old?" I said, surprised. "I thought he was only 17, like us!"

Edward snorted. "Yeah right, Emily."

"Whoa, how do you know my NAME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" I said, my eyes bulging out of their sockets.

"I know EVERYTHING! I CAN EVER READ YOUR MIND! AND THE TEACHERS MIND, AND I KNOW WHATS GONNA BE ON THE TEST, AND ALLLLLLLLLLLL ABOUT THAT GIRL THAT HE TOOK TO HIS APARTMENT LAST NIGHT! HE'S BEEN THINKING ABOUT HER ALL CLASS! NICE CHOICE BY THE WAY, MR. insert random teacher name here

"NO TALKING!" screamed the teacher. At the end of the class, Edward and I walked out of the classroom, laughing. But, we were soon stopped by ISABELLA SWAN! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN! She stood, with her hands on her hips and a mean look on her face like none no one saw in Twilight OR New Moon! Wow, that's one nasty glare.

"Edward, why in the world did you leave me for THAT chick!? I mean LOOK AT HER!"

Suddenly, Brian burst through the walls and said "HEY SHEZ NOT UGLIE, SHEZ VERY HAWT, JST LYKE I SED IN MI PICTERE COMMENT ON MYSPACE!"

"Brian, get the hell out of here!" said Emily, Edward, Matt (who suddenly appeared just cause he thinks Brian is super dumb and weird) Ana, (who also thinks that Brian is super dumb and weird) Bella, and Hannah Montanna (who was there cause I said she could be ). Then, Matt took out a book about grammar, and Brian started to melt! HOORAY!

"Bye Emily!" he said. "I gotta get back to writing your Christmas present! Wait...if I'm not typing now, who is? AU EDDIE, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I am the hottest guy on Earth," Edward said. "And all the chicks LOVE ME!" That was AU Eddie typing, not me!!!!

"Ahem, Edward, answer my question." said Bella.

"Oh...right...well see, as a vampire, your blood sang to me, and I can't suck your blood explains that process so it's too hard to resist you, and besides, Emily's perfume smells MUUUUUUUUUCH BETTER! So, right after I go to Alaska, I'm gonna make her my girlfriend and tell her that I've watched her when she went to sleep and stuff!"

"OMG EDDIE YOU ARE A PERVERT!" screamed Bella.

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are! I totally agree with that Christmas fic! They should totally call you STALKER CLAUSE!" Wit that, Bella bitch slapped Edward and left.

"Edward...do you really do all those things?"

"Well yeah but you're not supposed to know until later in the story. That dumb author is messing everything up! Why doesn't he act serious for once?"

"Hey! That author you're speaking so badly to IS THE BEST EVER! HE'S AWESOME!" (Sorry, I had to do it ;;)

"Yeah, I suppose you're right, Emily." Edward said. "Well, if you'll excuse me I'm going to Alaska! I'll be back in a few paragraphs!"

"Okay," I said, and then Edward disappeared. The next few weeks passed normally. Yes, normally, crazy I know, but you gotta mix it up a little you know? And the almighty author is too lazy to tell about all the pointless stuff that happens when Eddie was gone! Hmm what happens when he gets back...oh yes THE BEACH!

Right the beach. So Eddie came back from Alaska, I was happy. Cause I love Eddie! And Emmet. But Eddie loves me more. Sooooo Mike invited me to the beach and I went. I wonder if Jacob black is gonna be there...oh wait, of course he will be! He's supposed to tell me that Edward is a vampire! But I think that Edward already covered that area. Hehe.

Sooo I was walking on the beach, and Jacob came! Yaaaay! I was hoping that he didn't go all werewolf on me! Crap, that's a New Moon spoiler. NO MORE READING FROM HERE ON IF YOU HAVEN'T READ NEW MOON! Oh wait, you have, so you're okay!

Jacob was short. But that's okay. Cause he's still cool! I hope he made me a motorcycle in New Moon instead of silly Bella...well if there is a New Moon sequel type thing to this crappy story. "Hi Emily," he said. "I hope you haven't fallen in love with any vampires lately!" Why the hell would someone say that just out of the blue!? Good question.

"Well, I kinda love Edward."

"NOT AGAIN!" groaned Jacob. "Why does everyone fall for that stupid guy?"

"Cause he's hot!" Said a random girl who was on the beach. Jacob gave her the finger, and then continued to walk with me.

"Soooo yeah I'm supposed to tell you that your beloved Eddie is a vampire and you're supposed to be scared crapless. But since you already know that, I guess we can just make small talk! Sooo I'm making a car. But I already know that it won't be finished 'till New Moon, so I'm not really working on it much. Stephenie will finish it for me!"

"That's...nice." I said. "So, how's La Push and Billy?"

"They're fine. Emily, I love you more than Bella!" he leaned in for a kiss, but I pushed him backwards.

"Save it for Anna," I said, and then whistled loudly. Suddenly, Anna came running like a heard of bulls.

"JACOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!" she screamed. Jacob screamed like a girl and started running like hell.

"I didn't know I had fangirls!" he yelled while running for his dear life from the fangirl.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Boy, that trip to the beach was hectic. I don't think that Jacob will be talking to me for awhile. Or making me a motorcycle for that matter...dang, I really wanted a motorcycle too. Oh well, Eddie is good enough for me! Hah. So one day, Eddie and I went over to his house and he asked me to be his girlfriend. After he picked up my eyes that had fallen to the ground, I replied yes. Then I met his family.

Alice is CRAZY! She was running around the house, and she even told me about my future! She said I would become very close with a stalker...I hope that the stalker is Eddie...or as we call him these days since it's almost Christmas: Stalker Clause. Annnnnd what's supposed to happen here again? I don't remember. Well, cut to the forest part!

Eddie and I, instead of going to Port Angeles, decided to go on a walk! WOOOO! I hope this is the part where he sparkles. I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE SPARKLES! Sometimes I wish I could sparkle...but whenever I try to bathe in glitter, the glitter always falls off! It makes my face go like this . . (I'm sooo sorry for making you so OOC but its just so fun!)

So we walked through the forest, through the forest (I tried to remember the directions in cased Jacob Black and I ever tried to find this place in the future after we built motorcycles, but it was too confusing.) Then, we finally arrived in the clearing! YAY! Eddie then loosed up his shirt, revealing that PERFECT chest that looked like a statue, only MUUUUCH better. And I'm capitalizing crap too much but sometimes I JUST CAN'T HELP IT! Whoops, sorry. So anyways, as Edward opened his shirt he began to SPARKLE! Maaan it was awesome! All of the sudden there was a rustle in the bushes. And guess who jumped out!?

UNDEROATH, CHILDREN OF BODOM AND HANNAH MONTANNA! (Yeah this is getting faker by the minute, but oh well.)

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah its a vampire!" yelled Spencer. He then pulled out a cross and pointed it at Edward. "DIE VAMPIRE!" He stood there, with his arm outstretched and a cross in his hand looking really stupid.

"Um, that doesn't work." Edward said. "Sorry,"

"Damn," Spencer said.

"HEY EVERYBODY!" said the Children of Bodom peoples in a screaming voice. "Hey...what the hell are we doing here anyways?"

"Iunno," replied another member. "Let's go find Matt, I hear he's a pretty cool kid."

"NO, WE'RE GOING TO FIND MATT CABEL!" screamed Aaron and Spencer.

"No we are!" cried Children of Bodom.

"How about he gets the best of both worlds!?!" suggested Hannah, only saying that cause it was one of her songs. She doesn't really have any knowledge...

"Great idea, Hannah Montanna!" said Spencer. "God will reward you in Heaven!"

"GO BACK TO DISNEY YOU STUPIDHEAD!" said Children of Bodom.

"Hey, Hannah Montanna is cool!" I yelled.

"Hey, what about me over here?" Edward said. "IM SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKLIIIIIIIIIIIING," he said in a sing-song voice.

"You're scary," commented Aaron.

"I concur," I replied.

"Wow, big word there, Emily."

"Thanks!"

Okay, writing the forest scene is boring the almighty author. Onto the baseball game!

So it was raining. And we played baseball. Then, when we were playing baseball, OTHER VAMPIRES CAME! Too bad my other vampire friend didn't come T.T.

"Hello Cullen's," said Laurent.

"Hey Laurent, wanna play some ball!?" said Jasper.

"He's our enemy, stupid!" said Emmet. Emmet then used his muscles to PUNCH LAURENT IN THE FACE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Then he killed the girl vampire TOO! HELL YES! Oh wait, now there's no point in the werewolves in New Moon protecting Bella and therefore making her go to Rome. Oh well. Nobody liked the Rome part anyways :P

Ummm I think we should end the craziness here. Yeah it was rushed at the end, but oh well. Rushing is fun! Causeyoucantypeallfastbutforgettospaceeventhoughitsreallyhardtoforgettospaceandyesiknowthatthisisarunonsentencewithnospaces.

THE END!

A/N: Well, hope you enjoyed. Please don't hurt me.  



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